


Near Misses, Hotel Kisses

by fratdadfan



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Slow Burn, dumb gays that can't communicate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fratdadfan/pseuds/fratdadfan
Summary: Four times Alex and Kelley kissed in a hotel room and the one time they didn't
Relationships: Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara
Comments: 10
Kudos: 155





	Near Misses, Hotel Kisses

**Author's Note:**

> timeline doesn't exactly follow real life events, idgaf

* * *

_One_

Alex is 15 years old when she meets Kelley. They’re at a U-17 National Camp, and it just so happens that they are assigned as roommates. Maybe it’s because Kelley’s a veteran of the team, the captain even, and Alex is just on her first call up. Or maybe it’s random. Alex isn’t sure.

But being roomed with Kelley only serves to make her more anxious. The other girl’s older and cooler and by far more experienced. She’s got endless confidence and a swagger about her that errs on the side of cockiness. And it’s straight up intimidating.

Alex is on edge, nerves dancing around in her stomach as she lies there in the dark, awaiting sleep to take her. But it doesn’t. She knows she needs a good night’s rest to perform well and obsessing over the thought only seems to make it more elusive.

Her mind is running a mile a minute. She’s worried she’ll fuck up, that she’s not good enough, that she never was. Maybe this is some sort of fluke and she doesn’t deserve to be here at all. What is she doing here?

She turns over to lie flat on her back, staring up at the blank ceiling. She takes a deep breath, trying to settle her thoughts, but it just isn’t working. She turns over on her side.

The phrase ‘tossing and turning’ is an understatement.

“Alex?” The voice is groggy, quiet.

Alex freezes in place, mortified at the fact that she has just woken the older girl. She holds her breath.

“Alex, are you up?” Kelley asks.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ , she thinks.

“Yeah?” She says quietly.

“Can’t sleep?” Kelley’s voice is soft and kind, and much less intimidating than Alex had imagined it was earlier.

“Not really.”

Alex hears the blankets rustling on Kelley’s bed, and she turns to face her. She can see the older girl is propped up on her elbow now.

“Nervous?”

“A little.” Alex lies.

Kelley chuckles softly.

“I know the feeling.”

“Really?” Alex can’t keep the surprise from her voice. Kelley laughs again.  
“I was a newbie once too, you know?” She says, “It’s normal to be nervous. But it’s just soccer. And if you didn’t deserve to be here, you wouldn’t be.”

Alex says nothing, just tries her hardest to believe Kelley’s words for a minute.

“Thanks,” She says, “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kelley says, “But if you do it again, I’ll kill you.”

\--

The first three days of camp had flown by, and Alex was fitting in just fine, she’d even made a few friends. As for the soccer part, Kelley was right, she deserved to be there.

“I’m going to Ashlyn’s room to hang out. Want to come?” Kelley asks.

Alex looks down at her school work spread across the bed. She really should work on it. And Kelley’s probably only asking to be nice. A courtesy invite.

“No, it’s alright. I’ve got some homework to catch up on, anyway.”

“Come on. It’ll only be for a few minutes.” Kelley rolls her eyes. Alex’s heart rate spikes, embarrassed. She doesn’t want Kelley to think she’s not cool.

So she nods her head and follows her out of the door.

Two hours later, Alex is still sat on Ashlyn’s bed, laughing with a small group of girls. She feels special, like this exclusive friend group is taking her under their wing. And she’s soaking up every minute of it.

They’re talking boys now, and it seems Syd has quite a lot to say. Alex smiles along, trying to keep up with the conversation—something about a first date gone horribly wrong, Alex thinks, but she’s not totally sure because Syd tells stories like she plays soccer—fast-paced and slowing down for no one.

“Alex, how many people have you kissed?” Syd asks, suddenly turning her attention to Alex as though the question has just struck her.

Alex blushes and tilts her head away. The list is humiliatingly short. And she’s not quite sure how much a peck on the lips counts, but she’s surely going to count it now.

“Just two.” She mumbles.

She expects laughter, but there is none, only affirmative hums and nods.

“No need to be embarrassed,” Kelley says from across the room. Her eyes are trained carefully on Alex as though she can read her mind, “Kissing’s overrated, anyway.” The corner of her mouth lifts in a grin.

The room erupts in laughter, and Alex feels as though she’s been left out on some sort of joke.

“If it’s so overrated, why have you kissed more girls than you can even count?” Ashlyn rolls her eyes. Alex tilts her head to the side, feeling a blush tingle her skin. She didn’t know Kelley was _gay._

“Have not!” Kelley says defensively.

“How many then?”

Alex finds herself especially interested in the answer for some reason. She leans forward, elbows pressed to her knees, chin perched in her hands.

Kelley grins smugly and crosses her arms over her chest. She doesn’t seem willing to answer.

“Looks like she can’t remember them all.” Syd says a teasing note in her voice, and the room breaks out into laughter once more.

They’re back in their room now, Kelley lying quietly in her own bed, Alex once again unable to sleep. But this time, for a different reason. She’s nervous to speak up, but the thought that is circling her brain can’t be tamed.

“Kelley?”

All she gets back is a grunt in response.

“Never mind.” Alex says. Her nerve seems to escape her.

Kelley shifts towards her. “What is it? You already woke me up.” She sounds annoyed.

Alex bites her cheek, a flare of regret riling in her chest. She wishes she’d just stayed quiet. “You’ve kissed a lot of people, right?”

“A few.” Now her interest seems piqued. She sits up.

“So you must be good at it?” Alex says. She’s feeling braver by the second. Maybe it’s the darkness surrounding them that dilutes the intensity of her question.

“I’d say so.”

Alex can just imagine the smug smile on Kelley’s face.

“Can you teach me?”

“Can I _what_?”

“Never mind!” Alex says for the second time that night. Her voice rises three octaves. A heat rushes over her face. This was the stupidest idea she’s ever had.

But Kelley’s not done with this conversation. Not by a long shot. She flicks on the bedside lamp, and now the room’s tinted in dim light.

Kelley is looking at her so intensely, and it’s only serving to make her blush harder.

“You want to learn how to kiss?”

Alex nods quickly, insecurity barreling through her chest. “Just a few tips, if you have any.”

“Okay,” Kelley gives her that stupid little grin, “Show me what you’ve got.”

“Uh—” Alex gulps. That’s definitely not what she had meant. She can’t kiss a _girl._ She doesn’t even like girls like that, _does she?_

She stares hard at Kelley, trying to discern whether or not she’s serious. She can’t tell. And now she’s fumbling for words. And maybe she’s taking too long to respond, because then Kelley is tilting an eyebrow up and moving towards her. She crosses the divide between them and sits on the edge of her bed. Alex’s heart pounds in her chest as she sits up to face her, crossing her legs. Kelley mimics her position, their knees knocking lightly, and now Alex is having a hard time concentrating.

She sucks in a deep breath through her teeth. Kelley is looking at her all expectantly, eyes round and questioning. She can’t turn back now, can she?

She wonders if she should lean forward, but she can’t move. It’s as though she’s frozen in place.

“Who are you practicing for?” Kelley asks.

“I’m not sure.”

“Oh.”

Neither says anything more. But Kelley’s looking at Alex’s lips and wetting her own, and it’s making something twist in her stomach. If she doesn’t act now, she’s not sure she ever will. And Kelley’s not exactly hard on the eyes either. No, she’s definitely the opposite of that, Alex thinks.

Alex leans forward swiftly, eyes closing at the last moment as she presses her lips directly to Kelley’s mouth. Her lips are soft, pleasantly so, but she doesn’t move them, she just lets Alex set the pace. But Alex is too afraid to move. So she doesn’t.

It’s only five seconds before Alex is pulling away, more embarrassed than when she’d brought up the idea in the first place.

Kelley stares at her, her eyes dark and intense. Alex’s brain is a mixture of thoughts like _she’s so pretty_ and _what the hell am I doing._

“That was a good start.” She says nodding her head, “But your hands—”

They both glance down to Alex’s hands, which are perched in her lap, clasped together. They giggle.

“Sorry, I didn’t know what to do with them.” Alex says, biting her lip.

Kelley nods her head as if she understands, then slides an inch closer.

“I’ve got a technique that will make you _irresistible_ to any person you want to kiss.” Kelley grins.

Alex snorts through her nose. The phrasing is so ridiculous, as is that cocky little smirk of Kelley’s. But she really wants her help, so she simply nods her head.

“First, put your hand like this.” Kelley grips Alex softly by the back of the neck, thumb brushing against her jaw. Alex’s skin tingles under the touch. Her stomach shrinks.

“Next,” Kelley says, “When you go in for it, you have to pause, right about… _here._ ” She leans in so that her face is only two inches from Alex’s, mouth hovering slightly agape above her own. Alex can smell Kelley’s toothpaste, and something else, something fresh like laundry. It’s flooding her senses and now her heart’s going into overdrive, especially with Kelley looking her face up and down like that. Alex wishes she’d just lean in and kiss her already and get this over with.

But she doesn’t. She waits another long moment, dragging her eyes over Alex’s lips and licking her own.

“And then,” Kelley whispers lightly. She has Alex hanging on her every word. “If you’ve done it right,” She pauses, “They’ll be the one to kiss you.”

After a tense moment, Kelley’s words click in Alex’s brain and she understands what she wants.

So she takes that as her cue, not letting her thoughts get in the way, swiftly closing the distance between them and letting their lips crash together.

It’s awkward at first as their noses brush too hard, but this time, Kelley takes over, pulling Alex close and sliding her lips smoothly against hers. It’s soft and sensual and Alex thinks, as annoying as it is, Kelley’s cockiness might actually be warranted. She’s a _really_ good kisser. Not that she has much to compare to, but still.

Then, before she can enjoy it a second longer, Kelley’s pulling away. She looks at Alex, something glinting darkly in her eye.

“Good,” She says breathily. “Now you try.”

Somewhere along the way Alex had forgotten that this was supposed to be a teaching lesson, and the thought of getting so lost in the moment makes her blush.

She sits up straighter, and tucks a loose hair behind her ear.

“Oh.” She says and swallows thickly. “Okay.”

She places her hand on Kelley’s neck, just like she’d shown her, and rubs her thumb over her jawline. She focuses her eyes on her thumbnail, unable to make eye contact just yet, the slightest bit of embarrassment still hovering in the air.

Another long moment passes before she leans in slowly, stopping just an inch away. Her eyes flick up to glance between Kelley’s, trying to memorize the look in them, dark and not quiet focused. Then she looks down to Kelley’s mouth, parting her own just the slightest. Kelley bites at her own bottom lip as the anticipation builds thickly in the small space between them. Alex feels like her own breath is too loud, the sound of her heart pounding away between her ears.

Finally, Kelley’s the one leaning in, pressing firm into Alex, this time something fervent in the way she pulls her closer. She parts her lips, letting her tongue slip into Alex’s mouth, hot and warm and needy all at once.

Alex kisses back just as fiercely. And she wonders if every other kiss tastes just as sweet.

Somewhere along the way, Kelley’s hands had traveled low on Alex’s neck, rubbing soft and ticklish against the skin of her collarbone, and it’s making something warm stir low in her stomach.

Then they pull away for breath, a second too soon, Alex thinks. They sit back, each of their chests heaving, their lips slightly swollen.

Kelley grins devilishly.

“See?” She says, “ _Irresistible_.” Her voice is dangerously low, like the word has more meanings than one. She winks and Alex’s heart shudders in her chest.

 _That’s one word for it,_ she thinks.

Kelley pats her on the knee then, and stands. She goes over to her own bed and lies down, facing away from Alex and towards the wall.

And just like that, the moment’s over.

Alex stares at Kelley’s back until it’s clear that she’s not going to say anything more. So she turns off the light and lies back to stare at the ceiling.

If she thought getting that off her chest would help her sleep, she was undoubtedly mistaken. Her head is reeling, her heart is pounding, and she finds herself replaying the moment again and again and again until she thinks that maybe she might have imagined it, the reality of it is lost in the recesses of her brain.

And she’s left wondering what it all meant, if it meant anything at all.

\--

_Two_

Alex is 19 the next time they kiss. Their paths had briefly crossed over the years, but some injuries here, and some missed call ups there, had prevented a second encounter of any substance.

And Alex forgot about how Kelley had kissed her and then acted like nothing had happened the rest of camp. It didn’t drive her crazy, and she _certainly_ didn’t think about the other girl. Well, not much at least.

But then she’s 19, and she’s healthy and injury-free and they meet again, called up to a tournament in Mexico. And once again they are roomed together.

“Long time no see, roomie.” Kelley says, her eyebrows bouncing up and down at Alex. She’s got that stupid grin on her face, the one Alex had definitely not thought of while she was trying to sleep. Kelley wraps her arm around Alex’s shoulder as they head towards the elevator and away from the group congregated in the hotel’s lobby. Alex does her best not to flinch away from the touch.

_This is going to be a long three weeks._

And it is.

The soccer part is grueling in the very best way, even though Alex gets lost in her head through most of it. But Kelley is always there with an encouraging smile and words nicer than Alex thinks she deserves.

“You’ll be the star of this team one day. I know it.” Kelley says with a poke to her chest, a grin that’s light and confident, “You just have to believe in yourself.”

But Alex isn’t quite sure she believes her. Kelley’s the real star, she thinks. And she’s perfectly fine just floating in her orbit.

And in the moments not filled with soccer, Kelley drags Alex along to explore the city, to ‘get out and see the world’ as she puts it. And of course, Alex follows, bright-eyed and eager in her presence.

Kelley is so popular and funny and sweet and outgoing and everything Alex had ever wanted to be. She’s _hot,_ and she knows it. And she’s confident with no reason not to be. So it’s not a surprise to Alex that Kelley has kissed so many girls. Even if the thought _does_ nag her a little bit.

But somehow, Kelley manages to make Alex feel like the special one, what, with all the soft glances and specialized attention. Alex keeps her hopes low, not quite sure she’s ready to let her guard down.

They have a sunny afternoon off right before the final of the tournament when Kelley suggests they go exploring.

“Don’t you think we should rest a bit for the game?” Alex says lightly. She’s not sure if she will get any minutes, but she knows Kelley will probably log a full 90, and she doesn’t want her to tire herself out by walking the city.

“You think too much, Alex.” Kelley says with a huff, “I can just ask Ashlyn—”

“Fine, I’ll come.” She says quickly. Alex has always seemed to have a problem with saying no, especially when Kelley is involved.

They’re strolling through the streets of Puebla now. And Alex thinks their hands might be brushing a little too often for it to be an accident. But she’s not complaining.

“How’s _Snob Farm_ treating you?” She asks teasingly.

Kelley snorts, “It’s great, thanks for asking.” They walk a few more steps, “How’s Cal? Any love interests I should know about?” She wiggles her eyebrows at Alex, only causing her to blush.

“Not right now, no.” There had been a boyfriend or two, a hookup here and there. But it was casual, nothing to write home about.

Kelley hums in response, a slight grin on her lips.

They turn a corner and are met by an empty square, a fountain in the middle. Kelley skips over to it, jumping deftly onto the ledge. She balances with her arms spread out to the side, only a few inches precariously separating pavement from water.

Alex shakes her head and smiles at the older girl’s antics, all the while working up the nerve to ask the question she so badly wants an answer to.

“And what about you? I’m sure all the girls are just lining up for _the_ Kelley O’Hara.” She teases and crosses her arms over her chest.

Kelley’s arms drop to her side, her childish grin dropping a fraction.

“No one special.” She shrugs her shoulders. And Alex pretends not to know why the answer makes her heart feel lighter. 

Then Kelley’s holding out a hand to her, as if begging her to step up onto the ledge.

“No chance.” Alex says.

“Come on, Alex, live a little.”

Alex rolls her eyes and weighs her options. But Kelley’s got that dumb grin on her face and her hand is outstretched, just waiting for her to take it. Alex knows she doesn’t have much of a choice, anyway.

So she lets Kelley pull her up, two hands steadied on her forearm until she is balanced on the ledge too. Kelley’s hands are soft, her fingers gripping tight, and Alex can’t seem to focus on anything other than that.

“See? Not so—” Kelley takes a tiny step backward, her foot slipping at that exact moment, and then she’s flailing, falling straight into the fountain with a splash. And of course she’s dragging Alex right down with her.

Alex hits the water, her head dunking underneath, and it’s cold, colder than she’d expected at least.

She sits up, spluttering, her hair plastered right to her forehead. She wipes it out of her eyes and glares at her friend.

“Kelley!”

Kelley just tilts her head backward and laughs hysterically. The sound of it echoes off the walls of the deserted square around them, roaring and just like the sound of music, Alex thinks.

She can’t help it, she grins back and then she’s laughing too, just as loud.

“You’re an idiot.” She shakes her head and goes to send a splash Kelley’s way, and it’s only then that she realizes that their fingers are still intertwined.

She smiles a little bit brighter.

\--

“Aren’t we a little old for this game?” Alex crosses her arms over her chest.

A small group of them are sitting in Syd and Pinoe’s room now, enjoying one of their last nights in Mexico all together.

“You’re only saying that because it’s your turn.” Syd says rolling her eyes.

“Fine. Dare.” Alex says quickly. She _did_ think they were too old for this game, and not just because it was her turn. She just didn’t really see the point, especially when they were all sober and huddled in a too small hotel room. There had to be better things to do than this.

Syd whispers something to Ashlyn, and the look on her face is anything but innocent, a stupidly keen smile tilting the edges of her mouth. Ashlyn nods her head emphatically, and Alex’s stomach drops in nervous anticipation. _I should have picked truth,_ she thinks, but she knows it’s already too late to turn back.

“I dare you to kiss Kelley. Five seconds _at least_.”

The group goes quiet, all held breath and wide eyes.

Alex finds herself speechless and wanting to refuse, but Syd’s got a glint in her eye, like she _knows_ Alex will back down. And Alex _doesn’t_ back down from a challenge.

She crosses the room to where Kelley’s sitting on the opposite bed. She looks her right in the eyes, contemplating using the ‘technique’ that Kelley had once taught her. But she thinks it might be too intimate. And it will only make this horribly awkward moment last longer. So she tries not to think too hard as she grabs Kelley by the back of the neck firmly. She leans in and kisses her straight on the mouth, with an intensity like she’s wanted this for a while. She feels Kelley’s lips move beneath her own, soft and smooth and just as she remembers.

And she feels 15 all over again in a dimly lit and empty hotel room, just her and Kelley, the world locked away on the other side of the door.

Kelley’s tongue slides against her bottom lip and Alex opens her mouth eagerly, suppressing a sharp intake of breath as Kelley’s fingers tangle loosely in her hair. And then Kelley’s doing this thing with her tongue that Alex just can’t get enough of. She takes a step closer, pressing solidly into her. It’s a full-blown make out now, all hot open mouths with intertwined tongues and hands that barely behave themselves.

Alex’s hand is sliding down Kelley’s shoulder now, where it’s headed, she’s not sure—

It’s then that a cleared throat breaches her senses, and she’s reminded of where she is. She breaks contact from Kelley, stumbling backward, a heat rushing up her neck as Pinoe lets out a wolf whistle. And even though she’s completely mortified, she’s left wishing it could have lasted just a moment longer.

Kelley lets out a shaky laugh and turns away.

“Anyway,” She says, “Who’s turn is it now?” She’s deflecting the attention from herself. So uncharacteristic. 

Alex backs into her seat across the room, knowing her face must be fully red, and she looks anywhere but at Kelley. The pattern in the carpet seems especially interesting at the moment.

She can feel the older girl’s eyes on her, but there’s no way that she can bring herself to look up.

They’re walking down the hallway towards their own room, just the two of them now, the game having ended a few minutes prior.

“You’ve gotten good at that.” Kelley says with a cheeky smile to break the silence that hovers between them. Of course Alex knows what she’s referring to.

“I had a good teacher.” She says with a stupid grin back, “And I’ve had some practice.” She shrugs like it’s nothing.

Kelley nods as if she’d expected Alex to say as much.

They take a few more steps before either speaks again.

“Why do you think Syd dared me to do that?” Alex asks quietly. She’d been wondering why ever since the words left Syd’s mouth. Maybe her confusing hidden feelings towards Kelley weren’t so secret after all.

“I’m not sure.” Kelley says as she slots the key card into the door. She lets Alex in first, following closely behind her.

“I mean, we’re _just_ friends. Nothing more.” Alex says, hoping that her voice remains level. She’s glad she’s facing away from Kelley, knowing full well that she’d be unable to say the words if she were facing her. She hears Kelley stop behind her.

“Of course. Yeah. Obviously just friends.” Kelley says. And Alex tries to read into every single intonation in her voice, but she finds nothing. It’s flat and devoid of any hint of something more, just as she’d assumed. Of course she’d kept her hopes low, but hearing the words echoed back to her makes her chest clench uncomfortably.

If only she had turned around then and seen the look on Kelley’s face, maybe things would have been different. But she didn’t.

Instead, she thinks back to the first time they’d kissed, how Kelley had so simply ignored her afterward and she hopes to God that it won’t happen this time.

“And we’ll still be friends after this, right? That kiss didn’t change anything?” She hates how desperate she sounds. She turns slowly, to find Kelley staring straight into her eyes, an unreadable dark green forest she could easily get lost in.

“I’m not going anywhere, Alex.” It’s soft, way softer than Alex had anticipated and she feels herself melting, but she tries her best not to fall. Kelley’s made her intentions clear enough.

“Good.” She forces a smile, “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

“Me too.”

As night approaches day, Alex lies still awake in her bed, sleep elusive as always. She stares at the ceiling and listens to Kelley’s quiet breathing from across the room, and the carpeted divide between them couldn’t feel grander. She’s lost in the depths of her memory, replaying scenarios all focused on Kelley, Kelley, Kelley. It’s like her brain can’t get enough. And she wants so badly to roll over, rearrange their previous conversation and just say how she feels. But she fights back the impulse, knowing she values Kelley’s friendship over this stupid crush she has. She’ll get over it soon enough. Hopefully.

If only she knew that just across the room, Kelley lie awake as well, haunted by the lips of the girl in the opposite bed.

_Three_

She’s 25 the next time it happens.

A lot can happen in six years.

They’re best friends now, having gone through the highs and lows of professional soccer from the World Cup to the Olympics and everything else in between.

Alex thinks Kelley is the best friend she’s ever had, fun and loyal and unconditionally supportive, even when Alex thinks she doesn’t deserve it.

They were even real roommates once too, moving into a house on the beach together, but just for a short while. And Alex would be lying if she said those weren’t the best three months of her life.

There were near misses here and close calls there. And sometimes Alex had been sure that she and Kelley would fall together sooner or later, but it never seemed to quite work out. The timing was off. Or maybe she just wasn’t brave enough. But if there’s one thing for sure, Alex knows she’d loved her back then.

Maybe she still did.

She thinks back to when they’d shared a house and Kelley had curled up next to her in her bed most nights, warm like her own little radiator. The way their skin had skimmed under the blanket and Alex had to remind herself to breathe.

And even though Kelley had a room of her own right next door, Alex convinced herself that platonic sleepovers like this were a thing. Perfectly normal. Because Kelley sure seemed to think so.

Somehow they didn’t invite Tobin, who was asleep just down the hall. Alex pretended it was because she didn’t think Tobin would want to, anyway.

She thinks about how Kelley made her feel then, how being with her had been as easy as breathing and as hard as swallowing chalk all at the same time.

_“Come on, Alex,” Kelley says in that exasperated tone she uses when she doesn’t want to wait any longer. She likes things done promptly, and patience isn’t necessarily her strong suit._

_Alex shoves a hooped earring in after taking one last look in the mirror. She smiles at herself; she looks good and she knows it._

_Kelley had convinced her two roommates to go clubbing on one of the very first nights in the small beach town. And if Alex is honest, it didn’t really take her much convincing._

_Especially with the announcement that Kelley had made just the night before._

_She needed a long night of drinking after that for sure._

_They’re in line to enter the bar, and Alex can’t help the way her eyes trail down Kelley’s back, the low-cut hem of her top making it hard not to stare. She thinks Tobin might have caught her, but she doesn’t really mind._

_And then Kelley’s phone is ringing, Alex surely doesn’t miss the name that lights up the screen. And her stomach drops as the reality of Kelley’s love life hits her square in the chest._

_“Hi, baby,” Kelley smiles into the phone, her face flushing in a way foreign to Alex. “We’re just going into the bar now, I’ll call you when I get home.”_

_She chatters into the phone for a few seconds more, but Alex pretends not to listen. It hurts a little too much._

_Kelley hangs up and turns to face Alex and Tobin, a smile on her face just like last night when she’d first told them she’d had a girlfriend. It’s light and reaching up to her eyes and for some reason it makes Alex want to lean over and vomit._

_But she doesn’t have time to think about it too much because they’re entering the building, and the thump of the bass is enough to drown out the pounding in between her ears._

_She’s on the dance floor with Kelley and Tobin now and she’s five shots deep, maybe six she can’t quite remember. And there’s a girl across the bar who’s been flirting with her eyes all night, all slow piercing glances and a sly smile to match. If Alex were braver, she’d do something about it, maybe make a move or flirt back with actual words._

_But it turns out she doesn’t need to be the brave one. Before she knows it, the girl is walking towards her, eyes intense and focused in on her like a tiger stalking prey._

_Alex isn’t blind. The girl’s gorgeous, with long dark hair and freckles dotting tanned skin all up and down her arms._

_And she’s always had a thing for freckles._

_“Can I buy you a drink?” The girl shouts over the music._

_And Alex thinks she shouldn’t, she can practically feel the tequila racing through her veins. But she can also feel Kelley’s eyes on her. She doesn’t even need to look, she just knows Kelley’s watching her. And so what if she wants to try to make her jealous?_

_“Sure.”_

_Alex follows the girl to the bar, sparing a short glance over her shoulder to Kelley. She can’t help it, she needs to see her reaction._

_Her heart falls when she realizes that Kelley’s not even looking her way._

_The girl’s nice enough and by the end of the night Alex finds herself pressed hard to the brick wall outside of the bar, the girl’s teeth nibbling right below her ear._

_“Alex.” It’s Kelley. The voice is stern, the look is angry. And maybe that’s what she’d wanted, anyway._

_“I’m kind of in the middle of something.” Alex says, although she leans away from the girl to look squarely at Kelley, who has Tobin standing at her side with an anxious look on her face._

_Kelley rolls her eyes at Alex’s response and mutters something to Tobin, stalking off in the opposite direction._

_“Alex, will you come home with us, please?” Tobin asks, her voice sweet and pleading. Alex’s shoulders relax. She’s never been able to say no to Tobin._

_“Sure.”_

_She detangles herself from the girl and says a polite goodbye and gives her her number just for good measure._

_Tobin wraps an arm around her shoulder as they walk towards Kelley, who’s seated on the curb just fifty feet away. Kelley stands and gives Alex an icy look but says nothing to her, in fact she seems content to stay silent the entire way home. Which is fine by Alex, she’s having a hard enough time concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other as it is._

_Once they’ve entered their house, Alex is feeling brave and the tiniest bit more sober and Kelley’s unusual silence is speaking volumes. She wishes she wasn’t being so damn passive aggressive._

_“Something wrong, Kelley?” She asks, her voice sickly sweet._

_Kelley turns on her quickly, fire in her eyes as she stares her down. But it tampers away in a moment, turning into more of a chilling glare than anything._

_“No, nothing at all. I just didn’t realize you were so sloppy.”_

_“Sloppy?” Alex asks, her voice rises an incredulous octave._

_“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Kelley’s tone is hard as she crosses her arms over her chest. If Alex weren’t so drunk, she’d probably be intimidated, but she’s not._

_“Don’t act like you’ve never kissed someone in a bar.” Alex scoffs back. She wonders why Kelley’s words are cutting so deep._

_“I don’t exactly recall ever shoving my tongue down someone’s throat like that.” Kelley’s voice is rising, eyes piercing dangerously at Alex._

_“Guys—” Tobin's voice barely manages to cut through the viscous air between the two._

_“Jealousy really doesn’t suit you.” Alex’s says biting, venomous._

_Kelley lets out a bark of a laugh, so harsh sounding as it rings around the room. “Me!? Jealous?”_

_“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Alex mocks._

_Kelley says nothing for a long moment, just glares at Alex a little harder, and Alex wonders why it seems they can hurt one another so easily. She wonders why she even wanted to make her jealous in the first place. It’s just making her heart pinch and she feels her face begin to soften, the drunken anger in her replaced with something less intense. She’s about to apologize, the words just at the tip of her tongue waiting to be spoken into existence. But Kelley’s quicker than she is._

_“I have a girlfriend to call,” She says. It’s cool and detached from the usual easy-going girl that Alex is so used to, and it makes her chest tighten. Kelley turns on her heel and heads to her room, slamming the door shut behind her._

_Alex ignores Tobin’s worried glance and heads to her own room, tears stinging at the back of her eyes._

_She doesn’t see Kelley all morning, and maybe it’s because she’s avoiding her, or maybe the other way around, she’s not sure._

_And it isn’t until late afternoon when an apology comes in the form of a shy smile at sunset._

_Alex is sitting alone on the beach, knees tucked to her chest as she watches the sun dip into the horizon._

_“Can I join you?”_

_Alex doesn’t turn, just nods her head and Kelley sits down next to her in the sand. She plays with it for a while, letting it sift through her fist until she seems to work up the nerve to speak._

_“I’m sorry, Alex. I was way out of line.” She says finally, her voice tiny but sincere. Alex pauses, wondering if Kelley will elaborate. She doesn’t._

_“I’m sorry too.”_

_“I hate when we fight.” Kelley whispers, she sounds like she might cry any second._

_“It was dumb. We were both drunk. We didn’t mean it.” Alex says. Maybe she’s trying to reassure herself more than anything. Kelley shakes her head like she agrees._

_“I swear I didn’t mean what I said.” She says earnestly. “And you were right, I was jealous. I don’t know why. I just was.”_

_Kelley drops her eyes, and she looks ashamed almost. Alex hates when they fight too. It feels unnatural and foreign, like something’s just not right in the world. She had thought that knowing Kelley was jealous of her would make her happy. Instead, it just makes her feel hollow._

_Alex looks at her friend for a long moment. The last rays of light of the day are casting brilliantly on her skin. She’s more beautiful than ever._

_They don’t say anything more, maybe they don’t need words. Kelley turns to her and gives her a tiny smile._

_“Friends again?”_

_“We’ll always be friends, Kelley.” Alex reaches over and links her pinky with Kelley’s pulling her hand into her own._

_“Good.”_

And they _were_ good the rest of the time they were there. Better than good, even. In fact, that was their only fight the entire time. The rest of the days were filled with easy laughter and happiness and memories made to last a lifetime.

Kelley looked at Alex like she was the only thing that mattered to her in the world, and Alex let herself believe for just a moment that she might be. That this wasn’t just some extended holiday and that their real lives weren’t waiting for them at the end of their short-term lease.

They did everything together. And Tobin was there too, of course, but when Alex thinks back, she mostly remembers Kelley. How she’d have breakfast with Kelley, and spend the day in the ocean with Kelley, and sit on the porch and watch the sunset with Kelley. And at night she went to sleep with Kelley at her side and the next morning she’d wake up with Kelley’s arm draped around her waist and then they’d do it all over again.

The way they fell into an easy domestic rhythm only reminded Alex of something she wished she didn’t feel. As much as she loved playing house with her, she knew that there was something missing. Like late at night when she fought the urge to curl into Kelley’s side and press her lips to her skin, or how she refrained from tracing the newly formed freckles that appeared on Kelley’s face.

Instead, nothing ever strayed far from platonic, even though Alex so gravely wished it had. It just didn’t seem to be in the cards for them.

There were more reasons than one, Kelley’s girlfriend of course was a huge factor. But they were also best friends, and they worked together so well as just that. And Alex wouldn’t dare do anything to screw that up now.

Maybe that made her heart ache a little bit more than was healthy, but she could handle it. As long as it meant she had Kelley in her life that was all that mattered.

It was a dangerous game to play with her own heart, but it was much easier to pretend that everything was fine than to uncover the depth of her true feelings.

But that was two years ago.

She’d loved her then, and maybe she did still, but things were different now.

Now she was 25, and she had Servando. Who was _there_ , and who loved her. Who wasn’t all the way across the country and who certainly didn’t have a different girlfriend.

Of course it wasn’t Kelley’s fault she lived so far away, just the luck of the draw, really. And she still got to see Kelley at national team camps and tournaments, and they were still best friends and talked regularly, daily some times. They even visited one another in the off-season. But life still got in the way, of course. She watched from afar as Kelley seemed to fall in and out of love as swiftly as the seasons changed, and she was always there on the sidelines to pick up the broken pieces. And somewhere along the way, Servando had slid in and filled the cracks for her that Kelley couldn’t.

She loved him, she did. He was sweet, and attentive, and everything she could ever ask for in a boyfriend. He understood her life, having a similar one himself, and he realized that her career came first more often than not. And he was okay with it, maybe even her biggest supporter. And that definitely wasn’t something easy to come by.

He looked at her the way she had always wanted to be looked at, all starry-eyed and longing. He said all the things she’d ever wanted to hear, professions of undying desire, a blueprint of a beautiful life for them to share in the future, and sweet nothings whispered just for her late at night.

Did she love him as much as she loved Kelley?

She pretended not to know the answer.

Even two years later, Alex still dreams of the way Kelley had looked those early mornings when they’d shared a bed, all soft and tender and delicate. She thinks of how she had unconsciously memorized the pattern of freckles that ran over the bridge of her nose, and how when she was so close like that it made her heart stutter. She thinks of the way she’d never forgotten how Kelley’s lips tasted, not even now.

And then she’s reminded of the way the light had streamed through the blinds, casting shadows in a wavy pattern all over Kelley’s back and bare arms. The way it lit up those eyes of hers, the ones that said more than most people do in a lifetime. The way her voice would rasp through her throat when she mumbled ‘g’morning’

She thinks of how she’d wanted those moments to last forever and wonders if Kelley ever wished the same.

But now—now she looks across from her and sees Servando sleeping there, peacefully so, his nostrils flaring slightly as he breathes in and out and it’s endearing, she thinks. She could get used to waking up to this view every day. Maybe this life here with him is enough. Maybe she’s happy _enough._ Even though there are no freckles for her to count, no golden ember eyes staring back at her.

She wonders if the ache in her chest means she's moved on.

She pecks Servando on the lips, kissing him goodbye as he stands in the doorway.

“I wish I didn’t have to leave you here.” She tugs on his t-shirt a little, like maybe if she pulls hard enough she can drag him to the airport with her.

“Me too.” He says with a smile against her lips. “But you’ll have an amazing time.”

“You’re right.” She grins, tilting her eyebrows up.

“Behave yourself, alright?” He says with a teasing smile, “I don’t think your ‘SWAT Team connections’ will save you in Vegas.”

Alex disembarks the plane in Nevada, finding Kelley and Syd waiting for her in baggage claim.

Syd sweeps her into a hug first, spinning her in a tight circle and the energy that emits off her is contagious.

“Good to see you, _Mrs. Dwyer_.”

“It’s still Ms. Leroux to you.” Syd says quickly, a smile overtaking her face.

Then Kelley steps in, wrapping Alex in a hug of her own, tight, and close, and Alex can’t help but take a deep breath of Kelley’s shampoo, citrusy and nearly intoxicating.

“I missed you, Al.” Kelley whispers in her ear, and the words tingle in her eardrum. Her heart patters a little harder than it usually does and she just hopes that Kelley can’t feel it.

She returns the sentiment before untangling herself, regretting the lack of contact immediately.

“Ashlyn and Ali should be landing soon, then we can head to the hotel.” Syd says with an excited squeal as she grasps Alex’s hand.

Syd’s bachelorette weekend is everything Alex had expected it to be and more. Male strippers and dancing and drinking and nights that seemed to last an eternity. She does her best not to get too caught up in Kelley’s company, and she thinks maybe she’s succeeding, but she can’t be quite sure.

But then it’s their last night together, and they’re at the hotel bar, mostly because they’re still too hungover from the night before to go anywhere far. 

Kelley’s got this tight red dress on and Alex is having a hard time keeping her eyes in check. She blames it on the alcohol and tells herself there is no shame in looking, right?

And to make matters worse, if Kelley’s one thing when she’s drunk, it’s touchy-feely. She’s got a hand resting on Alex’s knee that seems to be creeping higher by the minute.

But Alex is fine.

She’s _fine_.

And now they’re walking down the hallway to their room, Kelley in front of her and Alex can’t help that her eyes are trailing up and down her body. The night seems to have blurred behind her, and she’s not totally sure how it’d gotten so late. She shakes her head, hoping it will sober her up.

It doesn’t.

“I’ve really missed you, Alex.” Kelley says. She’s sitting next to Alex on her bed, unbuckling her heels and tossing them across the room.

“I’ve missed you too, Kel.” Alex responds. It’s certainly not the first time the words have been expressed on this short trip. Alex wonders why that is.

“I’m sick of living across the country from you.” Kelley puts on an adorable pout, knocking her knee against Alex’s and making her heart skip a beat. She tries not to think about how close they’re sitting, how their arms are brushing or that she can smell Kelley’s perfume, the one she bought her. She tries to convince herself that Kelley’s words hold little weight, that they don’t mean the same thing to the older girl as they do to her.

She’s not having much luck.

She looks hard at Kelley, searching her face for any clue of how she’s feeling, but she can’t be sure.

“You have an eyelash—” Alex says as she notices it. She lifts her hand, swiping the lash from Kelley’s cheekbone, letting her fingers brush slowly over her skin.

When it’s gone, she doesn’t remove her hand, just lets it rest on Kelley’s cheek as her fingers tingle from the contact.

Kelley’s looking at her so intensely now, a searching look to mirror the one Alex gave her earlier.

Alex thinks it’s definitely the alcohol running through her veins that makes her brave, because without thinking, she leans in so very slowly, halving the distance between them.

But she doesn’t go all the way. She pauses, hovering just two inches from Kelley’s face. She looks between her eyes and sees that they’re dark, hungry. She thinks of the ‘technique’ and hopes that Kelley remembers way back when, when she’d leaned in and kissed her for the first time and wonders if she’ll do it again now.

She doesn’t have to wonder long, because Kelley closes the distance, forcing their lips together.

It starts off soft and gentle, but it doesn’t take long to turn needy and forceful, like maybe they’ve both wanted this for a while.

Alex feels like her body’s on fire, her senses are heightened and Kelley tastes just the same as she did back then, but maybe a little sweeter this time.

She briefly wonders if there is a reason why they’re always kissing in hotel rooms, if there is any metaphorical significance of the temporary space they inhabit. But the thought doesn’t last long as Kelley’s nails dig into the skin on her hip.

Kelley pushes into her, testing the boundaries and Alex let’s her. She opens her mouth, feeling the warmth of Kelley’s as their tongues brush gently.  
Kelley’s hands are all over, running the length of Alex’s arm, then up the side of her shoulder. She pushes Alex backward, so now she’s laying on the bed on top of her and Alex feels like she can feel every point of contact between them, from Kelley’s mouth on her own, to her hand on her throat, her knee on her thigh.

She lets her fingers tangle in Kelley’s hair, pulling her as close as she can in the process.

Her breath becomes ragged as Kelley lowers her mouth to her neck, sucking and nibbling the sensitive skin there.

If she doesn’t stop, Alex thinks she might leave a mark.

Her eyes snap open.

“Kelley—”

She gets a hum in response.

“Kelley we should stop.” Alex says pushing herself up onto her elbows and at the same time, incidentally pushing Kelley away.

“What’s wrong?” Kelley’s voice is all concern. She looks at Alex with big doe eyes and Alex wonders if she’ll regret stopping this in the morning.

“It’s…I—” She searches for the right words, “It’s Servando.” She finally manages to squeak. She looks away from Kelley, not able to face her.

Kelley doesn’t respond for a moment.

“I don’t want to cheat on him.” Alex says. She feels the need to fill the silence because the weight of the situation is hanging too heavy in the air around them. She’s feeling more sober by the second which means her head is starting to throb. She rubs at her temple.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry.” Kelley says, voice just above a whisper. Alex continues, she knows she doesn’t need to explain herself, but the words are tumbling out anyway.

“Because he’s a really good guy.” She pauses, “And he loves me back.” And he makes it easier to forget about you sometimes, Alex thinks. Not that she could ever _really_ forget about Kelley.

“Are you trying to say I don’t love you?”

The question takes Alex by surprise, the words hitting her square in the chest like a pound of bricks. Of course it was what she was insinuating, she just didn’t think Kelley would call her out on it. Her eyes snap back to Kelley’s. Her forehead is scrunched, and her eyes are still dark, so very dark.

“You’ve had countless girlfriends since I’ve known you and you’ve _loved_ them all.”

“Alex that’s not true—”

But Alex isn’t stopping now. “And I was there every time you broke up with one of those girls, hoping that the next time you’d just pick me.”

She searches Kelley’s face, letting her eyes flick over it, gauging her for a reaction.

“You think I didn’t want to?” Kelley looks at her delicately, eyes soft like a whisper, voice fragile like glass.

“Well, you never did. I waited so long thinking one day it’d be just you and me.” Alex takes a deep breath, trying not to let emotion crack her voice. She thinks of Servando, “And now that I’m finally the taken one, you want me.” She tries to keep her voice level, but it’s hard. She’s feeling broken and somewhere beneath that there’s anger. How dare Kelley do this now? She’d waited years for her to make a move. And now? Now it was too late.

“I’ve always wanted you, Alex.” Kelley sounds devastated, like maybe Alex’s words are breaking her heart.

Alex shakes her head like she doesn’t believe her. They’re the words she’d always wanted to hear. But now? Now they just make her feel sick. This can’t be true. Some cruel joke perhaps, but no, if it were true wouldn’t they have gotten together long ago?

“You’re too late.” She whispers. She’s moved away from her now, the space between them only three feet but feeling greater than it ever has.

Kelley stares hard at her, the soft look on her face morphing into something else, something like disbelief.

“You know what? You never picked me either, Alex.” Kelley shoves a finger into Alex’s chest at her as if to make her point. It makes her words sound the slightest bit more forceful. “All those girls meant _nothing_ to me. Nothing compared to you. I just was distracting myself while you went on about that ‘just friends’ bullshit.” Her voice flares and her eyes flash. And if Alex didn’t know Kelley so well, if she hadn’t love her, she might have been scared.

But she wasn’t. She just let Kelley’s words sink in, wondering how she could have been so stupid.

Alex can feel tears pricking the back of her eyes and they’re springing to the forefront quickly. She turns her face to the side in shame, not wanting her tears to be visible.

That changes Kelley’s demeanor. Her face eases into concern and she reaches out and places a hand on Alex’s knee.

“But it doesn’t matter. I’m picking you now.” She says earnestly, her voice thick with emotion. Her eyebrows crease together. “I’ll pick you always.”

“It’s too late.” Alex avoids eye contact, instead choosing to stare down at the fingers that grip on her knee.

“I’ve waited a long time, Alex. If I need to wait a bit longer while we figure this out, I can do it.” Kelley looks at her like she doesn’t quite understand.

Alex says nothing for a long moment, working up the resolve to spit out the words. She finally looks up, tears clinging to her cheeks, and just like a band-aid she rips it off, hoping the sting won’t last too long.

“I’m engaged.”

“Oh.”

\--

Much later, Alex lies awake in her bed, hours after Kelley had long gone. She hadn’t expected the reaction she got, but when she thinks about it, she wasn’t quite sure what she’d pictured, anyway.

Alex wonders if Kelley had asked her to run away with her right then and there if she would have said yes.

But Kelley didn’t ask.

Instead, she put her head in her hands for a long moment, covering her face from view so Alex couldn’t guess what she was thinking. And finally she’d looked up and asked:

“Are you happy?”

Alex paused for a moment and thought of Servando at home waiting for her, and how could she say no?

So she replied that yes, she was happy.

“Well,” She’d said. Her voice was resigned, gentle but crisp at the same time, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

Then Kelley seemed to collect herself. She congratulated her best friend, pulling her into a swift hug and planting a feather-light kiss on her forehead.

She looked at Alex for a long, hard moment, and then just like that she left with a question in her eyes that Alex now wishes she had asked.

And now, Alex can’t get the look of Kelley’s departing face from her mind. The moment replays again and again and again, in both dream form and in memory as she falls in and out of a fitful slumber. Sleep has always been her biggest enemy. She rolls from bed.

She walks to the bathroom, flicking on the harsh fluorescent light. It’s half a minute before her eyes adjust and she can see.

She looks in the mirror, taking in her sunken eyes and the lightning rod streaks of red in the whites of them. Her hair is matted to the side, like she’s had the worst sleep in her life, which she thinks is pretty close to the truth. She reaches up to her neck with a hesitant hand, trailing a finger over the barely there red bruises left from Kelley’s teeth, perhaps the only traces left of her.

She wonders if she’s pushed her away forever.

Alex stares so long into the mirror that she finds she no longer recognizes herself. The reflection looking back at her is a stranger now.

The silence of the room around her is deafening.

And she finds herself thinking that she’d never noticed how lonely a hotel room could be.

_Four_

She calls.

Kelley doesn’t pick up.

So Alex plans her words carefully the entire plane ride home.

And when she finally lands and walks through baggage claim, she sees Servando waiting there for her. He’s tall and handsome, with that lopsided smile she once fell in love with. And he’s so _happy._

So she lets herself forget about Kelley for just a second.

She’d wanted to tell him right then and there what had happened. But her throat isn’t working quite right, and she doesn’t have the heart to break his at the moment. So instead she lets herself get swallowed in his hug. And she breathes in his scent, masculine like leather, dry like cedar. And she thinks that the familiarity of his chin pressed to the top of her head is enough.

She tries calling her again.

She’s sent to voicemail after the second ring.

So Alex tells Servando that she kissed Kelley, and his face blanches, but he’s not angry, he’s just got a disappointed look in his eyes.

Alex cries into his arm, feeling more guilty than ever. As much as she’d wanted it with Kelley, hurting Servando was the last thing she wanted to do.

He hugs her back and tells her it’s okay. That he loves her no matter what and that he still can’t wait for the day that he marries her. That everyone makes mistakes.

Alex wonders what she did to deserve someone like him.

And then she wonders if there is a limit on how many mistakes a person can make.

\--

Alex asks herself if maybe Kelley had been right. Maybe she _had_ been the one to miss the signs all those years. Maybe they were both too dumb for love to work out between them.

_Kelley falls back against Alex, her back to her chest, and it makes something twist in Alex’s stomach. She holds her breath and tries her hardest not to react. Friends do this sort of thing all the time, don’t they?_

_They’re sitting on the couch in Kelley’s tiny New York City apartment, huddled around the fireplace, with itchy sweaters wrapping up their arms and spiked mugs of hot cocoa in their hands. They’re joined by a few of their friends, who mill about the living room and apartment, but they’re just background noise at the moment, Alex thinks. All she can focus on is the way Kelley is sitting between her legs and pressed against her so casually._

_She leans her chin on the top of Kelley’s head and closes her eyes._

_And then she hears Kelley mutter something._

_“What was that?”_

_“I said, ‘I could sit like this forever.’”_

_Alex feels a blush run up her cheeks, and she’s grateful Kelley can’t see her face._

_“Not forever.” She forces a laugh._

_“With your arms around me, I could do anything forever.”_

_Alex looks down on Kelley’s face. Her muttering has become more jumbled now, the words falling from her lips like a slur. And she looks like she’s about to fall asleep, her eyelids just barely staying open. Maybe she’d had more to drink than Alex had realized. And she thinks it’s cute the way her eyes are fluttering closed, the way her head is tilting into her shoulder._

_Alex smiles to herself and wraps her arms around her a little tighter._

Alex thinks then of the way Kelley had always been so touchy with her, how they’d always seemed to be drawn together like magnets. She questions if that had been a sign.

_~_

_“Alex? Alex?”_

_The voice rouses something deep in her brain, and Alex feels herself sliding out of the darkness. Her eyes snap open, only to be met with a harsh, blinding light. She closes them quickly. And it’s only then that she registers the searing pain that’s pounding between her ears. She tries to focus on the feeling of the grass beneath her, it’s the only thing that’s grounding her. Literally. She groans._

_“You’re alright, Alex. You’ll be okay.” It’s Kelley._

_She opens her eyes once more, slower this time. And she’s staring straight into golden green ones, worried and so very intense. Her eyebrows are knit tightly, the corners of her mouth pulled into a thin, serious line. Alex blinks hard, trying to focus._

_“Feels like I got hit by a truck.” She groans as the pounding intensifies._

_Kelley’s laugh is joined by a few others, and it’s then that Alex notices the training staff surrounding her. They’re moving her to a stretcher now, and she tries to remember what happened, how she ended up in this state. But she can’t, and thinking so hard is only making her brain hurt even more. Oh well, someone will fill her in later. The staff lift the stretcher into the air and Alex looks to Kelley. Her concerned look has been replaced with an air of relief._

_“Don’t scare me like that, Al.” Kelley squeezes her hand tightly and Alex thinks it might make her head hurt just a little bit less._

_“Didn’t mean to.” She gives a meager grin back._

Alex thinks about how Kelley was always the first person at her side when she was injured. No matter whether they were teammates or opponents, Kelley was there. Always.

It must have meant something.

~

_They’re sitting at the end of an empty pier now, legs dangling over the ledge, yards above the ebbing ocean below. Alex is staring straight into the sunset, golden and pink and purple, and with Kelley right there beside her she thinks this might be one of the best moments she's had in a while. She feels calm and happy and simply satisfied with life._

_She turns to look at her company. She can’t help it. Even with the never-ending view stretched out before her, she can’t tear her eyes away from the beautiful girl next to her. She traces her side-profile, following the perfect dip of her nose, letting her eyes drag down the line of her jaw. She notes the way Kelley’s eyelashes curl, crescent-shaped, just like the moon. They flutter gently against her high cheekbones, soft as a feather. Then she finds herself starting to count the freckles on her—_

_“Liking the view?” Kelley asks. Her mouth tilts up into that stupid little grin that Alex loves to hate._

_Alex just laughs and turns away. She wishes she could think of something clever to say back, but instead her brain just feels like mush to match her heart._

_They sit there another long moment._

_Something about the sound of the crashing ocean waves and the sight of the descending sun are setting Alex at peace. She leans back on her hands, feeling the worn wood of the dock beneath her fingertips. She stares out as far as her eyes can see, focusing on the distant line where the heavens melt into the world. What she’s looking for, she’s not quite sure. Maybe she’s already found it._

_“I’ve never had a best friend like you, Kel.” She says. It’s soft and rapt with emotion. She doesn’t know what spurs her to say it. But something about this moment in time feels intimate, like maybe she can bare her soul just a bit._

_“Oh yeah? I’m that great am I?” Kelley smirks, eyebrow tilting up mischievously._

_Alex shoves her lightly in the shoulder._

_“Don’t get cocky.” Alex rolls her eyes._

_Kelley smiles back, bright and brilliant and gorgeous._

_“I love you too, Alex. If that’s what you’re trying to say.” Kelley laughs lightly._

_They continue to sit there and look out over the ocean as the sun lowers itself just enough that the light around them fades._

_Kelley grabs her hand then, soft and hesitant, and she twists their fingers together, gripping like she'll never let go._

Alex thinks about every other moment she’d ever fallen in love with Kelley, and she wonders if all that time Kelley had loved her right back.

But that was then. Not now.

Maybe they were just passing stars, never destined to fully collide. A near miss.

But maybe, just maybe…

Alex calls her.

No answer.

Maybe near misses were all she’d ever get.

And then just like that, it’s six months later, and Alex is finalizing the plans of her wedding.

She’d seen Kelley briefly for National Team duties, but the girl made no mention of the unreturned calls or the last kiss they’d shared.

Instead, she seems unperturbed, radiating that endless energy that Alex and everyone adored. And while she was the slightest bit distant from Alex, she seemed better than fine around the rest of their teammates.

If Alex was bitter about Kelley’s reaction, she did her best not to show it.

She lets herself get caught up in the wedding planning. And if she’s honest, she welcomes the distraction of flower arrangements and cake tastings, thinking it’s much easier than thinking about her goal drought or her poor performances on the field. And it’s multitudes easier than wondering whether such things have anything to do with a certain tumultuous relationship with her best friend.

The wedding’s only two weeks away now, and Alex is settling the completed version of the seating arrangement, something that’d taken over a week to master.

Her eyes glide over the spreadsheet, landing on one name in particular that she’d pointedly avoided.

_Kelley_

Just as she had ignored Alex’s phone calls, she too had ignored her invitation.

But Alex had always thought Kelley would be in her wedding, and if not as a bride, then certainly as a bridesmaid at least. She was her best friend, after all. Not having her there just wouldn’t feel right. So she’d left an open spot for her, just in case.

But now she needs an answer. An empty chair would look out of place. At least that’s what she tells herself.

Alex fiddles with her cell-phone, typing and deleting, typing and deleting Kelley’s number from the keypad.

Finally, she acts on gut-impulse.

“Hello?”

Alex had fully expected Kelley not to answer. And hearing her voice sends a shock up her arms, right into her heart.

“Hi.” She breathes out.

They both say nothing for a second, and for some reason Alex is afraid that Kelley will hang up. But she doesn’t.

“What’s up?” Kelley says. So casual. Alex hates it.

“You—” She clears her throat, despising the way her voice crunches like wheels on gravel, “You never RSVPed. I was wondering if I should put you on the seating chart.”

Another tense silence hangs between them, and the only reason Alex knows Kelley is still there is because she can hear the shallow breath emanating from the other line.

“Alex—” Kelley’s voice is pained, resistant.

“Please, Kelley. I need you there.” Alex isn’t sure why she says it. She just knows it is the truth. As selfish as it may be, it’s truth. She doesn’t just want her to be there. She _needs_ her there. She’s not sure she’ll make it even one foot down the aisle without the support of her friend.

“Okay.” Kelley finally says. “I’ll be there then.”

It’s the eve of her wedding, and Alex had kissed Servando goodbye hours ago. They’d planned to spend the night in separate hotel rooms, deferring to the age-old superstition that sleeping together the night before the wedding was just plain bad luck.

Alex exits the bathroom, having just taking a long, relaxing bath. She’d needed it.

Her nerves were setting her on edge. She wouldn’t necessarily call it cold feet, but it was definitely something of the sort. But she told herself it was normal to have such worries. Right?

She removes the towel that’s drying her hair and gets ready to settle into bed.

And then she hears a knock.

It must be Servando returning for one last goodnight kiss.

She walks to the door, throwing it open without a second thought.

“Hi.”

But it’s not Servando.

It’s Kelley.

Of all people. It’s Kelley standing there in a t-shirt and leggings, hair tied up in a messy knot, her usual look. And her eyes are wide, her mouth slightly agape like she’s got a lot to say, but something’s stopping her.

Alex becomes extremely aware that the only thing covering her body is a flimsy terry-cloth robe. She wraps it around her body a little bit tighter before she gets her voice to work for her.

“Hi.”

They stare at each other a long moment, Kelley’s eyes are running laps over Alex’s face, drinking in her expression like she hasn’t properly looked at her in months. Because she hasn’t.

“What are you doing here?” Alex says. She lets her voice drop level, reveling in the way that it doesn’t crack.

“Alex, I can’t do it.” Kelley’s face breaks from its carefully composed expression.

“You can’t do what?”

Alex realizes that they’re still standing in the doorway. And maybe it’s awkward, but she’s not quite sure she should let Kelley in. Especially considering what happened the last time they were in a hotel room together.

Kelley takes a long deep breath, shaky and uncertain.

“I can’t watch you marry him. I just cant.” She says. “I told myself that if I loved you, I’d let you go. Isn’t that what everyone always says?” She looks between Alex’s eyes quickly, then Kelley's looking downward, and now Alex sees that there are tears slipping down her cheeks. She feels close, but still so far away. Alex wonders if she should grab her hand and hold it, but she decides against it.

“So I’m going to say it now because I don’t want there to be a shadow of doubt in your mind that it’s the truth.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m in love with you, Alex. And I have been for so, _so_ long.” Her voice cracks, “So long that I can’t even remember the last day that I didn’t love you.”

Kelley looks into Alex’s eyes, and they’re that familiar grey and green that Alex loves. But they’re also glittering wet and brimming in pain, and Alex feels a similar feeling in her heart. Her chest pangs and now hot tears are slipping down her cheeks as well.

“I know you love me,” Kelley says. Her voice drops to just barely above a whisper now and she pauses. “But I know you love him too.” She grabs Alex’s hand into her own, and now she’s staring hard at her for a second.

“Kelley—” Alex’s voice trails off. She’s at a complete loss for words.

“I’m so sorry, Alex. For everything and more.” Kelley shakes her head back and forth, “But mostly I’m here to apologize for not being able to be there for you tomorrow. I can’t.” Her voice cracks over the word ‘can’t’ creating an equal fracture in Alex’s chest. “As much as I love you, I’m not here to change your mind. Because I’m supposed to be your best friend first, and that means that the thing I want most is for you to be happy.” She sniffs, “God, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.” She lets out a little, forced laughed and looks up at the ceiling, biting her lip between her teeth as though that will stop the tears that are already falling.

“It’s just—for some reason I always thought you’d be happy with me.”

Alex swallows back her tears as she struggles for words.

“You never called.” She says. It’s the only thing she seems able to muster. “You should have called me back.”

“I know.” Kelley says. “I’m sorry. For all of this.”

Alex tilts her head away.

“But if you love someone, you should let them go. Right?” Kelley says.

Alex wants to say no, that’s not true, that she’d never let Kelley go, not now, not ever.

But it seems Kelley wasn’t really asking, anyway. Her mind is already made up, because she lets go of Alex’s hand, fingers slipping, slipping, slipping away.

And then she wraps Alex in a swift hug, pulling her tight to her chest so that the wind feels knocked out of her, and she's choked by the sob trying to escape her throat.

Kelley steps back then and presses a feather-light kiss to Alex’s mouth, their tears caught in the mix in between. And the sweet taste that Alex had dreamt of for nights on end is now salty. It’s less than a second before Kelley pulls away, so sudden that Alex maybe might have only imagined it’d happened at all.

A few minutes after Kelley’s left, a knock comes at the door once more. Alex has been in a state of shock since the older girl left, every inch of her body tingling uncomfortably.

Alex springs from bed, wondering whether Kelley might have changed her mind. 

But when she opens it, she finds Servando, sneaking off to see his bride-to-be once more before they wed.

She knows then that she must call it off.

So she does.

He’s upset, of course, but he doesn’t try to change her mind. He just gives her the saddest look, like he might have known it was coming. Like he was losing the greatest thing he’d ever had in his life, but he’d already known he’d never really had it to begin with.

He asks her if there’s someone else.

She doesn’t lie, because it seems he already knows.

When she mutters Kelley’s name, he nods his head down in heartbroken understanding.

He cries, he questions her, his temper shows itself for just a few minutes, the only time Alex has ever truly seen him angry. And then he gets an odd look on his face, like the world he knows has been swiped out from under him.

And then he kisses her one last time and walks out of the room without turning back.

She calls her.

She answers.

_Five_

Alex makes her way up to the roof of the hotel, her feet unsteady beneath her. Kelley had told her where she’d run off to, and Alex wasn’t all that surprised that she’d made her way to the roof. It was always the place she went to think back when they’d lived together.

When she reaches the top and throws open the door, she sees that streams of light are filtering through the night sky, it’s nearly morning.

She laughs at the thought that today was the day she was going to get married.

No longer.

Instead, she sees Kelley standing against the railing of the rooftop, looking out at the surrounding buildings

“Kelley—” Alex says.

On her way up she had carefully planned out a big speech of what she’d say when she saw her. How she’d loved her then, and she loved her now, how she’d never stop. How she’d waited too long, but now she was finally brave. How love meant not letting go.

But as soon as she sees Kelley, the words float away from her, forgotten.

“You look beautiful, Alex.” Kelley says.

Alex laughs, she knows she looks a mess, what with her bloodshot eyes, hair matted to her forehead, her tear-stained bathrobe. And now that she thinks about it, she probably should have changed before coming up here.

But she knows that now isn’t time to overthink. So instead, she lets her body guide her forward, right into Kelley’s arms, letting her lips crash against her, desperately, longingly, as she tries to convey every emotion within her without speaking.

Words had never been their strong suit, anyway.

Kelley’s hands tangle in her hair, and Alex’s rest on Kelley’s hips. They’re tongues battle for dominance, they’re mouths slide into an easy rhythm like maybe they’ve done this before. And Alex knows it’s better than any kiss they’ve ever shared.

They kiss until she thinks she can’t breathe, and she wonders if it’s from lack of oxygen or from finally getting what she’d wanted for years.

She breaks away from her, leaning away and letting her forehead rest against Kelley’s. Her chest heaves.

“See what a returned phone call can get you?” She smiles as Kelley laughs, the first time she’s really heard it in a while. And it rings in her ears like the greatest sound she's ever heard.

Alex notes that this is their first kiss outside a hotel room, and she thinks that’s _got_ to mean something. But before she can think too long about it, Kelley leans in and kisses her again and again and again.

And Alex thinks that her big speech will just have to wait.

**Author's Note:**

> who doesn't love a nice 10 year love story?


End file.
